


Solace

by Niori



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: F/M, Getting out of town for mental health, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2020-10-05 17:02:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20492222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Niori/pseuds/Niori
Summary: What if, instead of going at it on on the table in The Magic Box, Spike and Anya decided to leave together instead? Set during Entropy.





	Solace

**Author's Note:**

> I’m continuing to bring my old one shots over from FF.net, so here we are! A B:TVS one-shot from nearly a decade ago (so long ago at the AN over there still had the old fashioned disclaimer. Haven’t seen one of those in awhile). Anyway, the background is that I always thought Spike & Anya would be great friends, and then I decided to ship them as my OTP. Rare pairs for the (sad and lonely) win. 
> 
> The timeline for the episode Entropy is also changed a bit, with Dawn arriving home before anyone else. For reasons.

Numb. That was what she wanted to feel. With each shot that she threw down her throat, she inched towards it. Each kind word spoken by her companion helped ease the pain, but it was still there. She felt it clawing at her insides, making her ache. She wanted to hate Xander, but anytime her mind shifted to the man who had done this to her, a debilitating sense of sorrow seized her.

Spike understood. Anya could see it in his eyes when he listened, and especially when he replied. The pain she felt was mirrored there, as strong and as heartbreaking as hers. Yet despite that, Spike made every effort to reassure her of her own worth. They were in the same pain and yet Spike was going out of his way to make her feel better, while she could barely see past her own hurt, let alone reassure him the same way.

“I keep thinking it was me,” she whispered, “that I did something wrong. That I did something to make him not want me anymore.”

“Hey now,” Spike replied, using his fingers to tip her chin up so she had to look him in the eye, “none of that. It’s not you- it’s never been you. Harris is the one who’s at fault. Wanker wasn’t good enough for you anyway.” 

Anya tried to give a half hearted smile, but she couldn’t make it appear on her face.

“The two of them,” Spike continued, more to himself now, “they don’t see what’s right in front of their faces. They don’t understand. To them we’ll always be demons first, and that’s somethin’ they’ll never forgive us for. No matter what we do or no matter how hard we try.”

It hurt to admit, but it was true. Xander had always told her to act more human. He always cut her off whenever she tried to talk about her demon days. He never listened to her, always treating her like a dumb blonde, despite the fact she had been around over eleven thousand years and was full of knowledge. She hadn’t even realized that until Halfrek pointed it out before the wedding disaster. She had been so desperate to please that Anya hadn’t even realized how controlling he was. Xander said he loved her, shouldn’t that mean he didn’t want her to change?

Spike was watching her, head tilted to the side and waiting for her answer. Anya just nodded, knowing just how right he was.

How much worse was it for Spike? At least they just ignored the non-human part of Anya’s long life, but the Scoobies wouldn’t let Spike forget what he was now. How many times had they called him an evil soulless thing? Dismissed him as unimportant because of that? Dismissed anything he might be feeling?

She had tried to tell them once that it wasn’t a soul that let a being feel. Every aware sentient creature could feel. Emotions were universal, but they couldn’t –wouldn’t- understand that. They were so caught up in the myth that no soul equals evil and that can’t change, that none of them could see what was right in front of them.

Spike loved, and he loved fiercely. You could see it anytime he looked at Buffy, wherever he was with Dawn, anytime he recalled times past with Drusilla, and anytime he had talked about Joyce Summers. 

They were all so blind, and so foolish. Spike could have found ways to kill them long ago if he had really wanted to. Instead, he fought beside them, putting up with so much crap from those he was continuously saving. They would rather shoot him down whenever he tried, would rather keep him evil instead of having to admit that their black and white world could be wrong. So often Anya had wondered why he even put up with it. The Scoobies treated him like dirt, but made no qualms about using him whenever it suited their needs. Anya had probably done it a few times herself, but never with the intent they had. She respected Spike, knowing how hard it was to be a strong demon one day and to have that power stripped away from you the next. She may be oblivious to many human things, but even she knew that saying thank you when someone helped you was expected. In general, the other Scoobies didn’t. Tara did of course, and Dawn practically worshiped the ground Spike walked on, but the others? Xander and Buffy seemed to go out of their way to make the vampire feel miserable and Willow just didn’t seem to care. 

So why did he stay, knowing that chances were that it was as good as it was going to get? The answer was easy- he loved Buffy. No matter how she treated him, he loved her. 

What would it be like to be loved like that? Anya couldn’t help but wonder, to be loved with that much intensity? 

It was clear to her now that Xander never had. She was sure he loved her, but nothing like that. He had always sought to change her, always correcting her. If he had loved her like that then he wouldn’t let false futures shake him the way it did. He would have come to her beforehand, not run scared the moment a hurtle came their way. He would have talked to her…would have listened to her. He would have been willing to do anything for her, like Spike had been for Buffy.

“Buffy doesn’t deserve you,” Anya told him softly, meaning every word.

Spike looked surprised by her sudden statement. He turned his face away, and Anya could swear she saw tears well up in his eyes, “Thanks pet,” gratitude and emotion were almost choking his voice, “but it doesn’t stop me from lovin’ her.” 

“I know.”

And she did. She understood all too well. Xander had hurt her and yet she still loved him. If she hadn’t loved him so damn much then she wouldn’t be here with Spike drowning her sorrows. She wouldn’t have gone through so much trouble to try and get someone to wish vengeance on him. 

“Had her for awhile,” Spike was speaking again, “well, not really. Had her body, but the rest of her was as far away from me as it could be. Know she felt somethin’, but she’d never admit it. Tell me ‘m nothin’ and what we had was nothin’, but sometimes there was a look in her eyes that said different. It’d be gone and replaced with disgust a moment later, but I still saw it…and it made it all worth it. Every harsh word, every punch, and every rejection was worth it when I saw that look.”

Anya stared at Spike in blatant shock. How had she not seen it? She was usually so good at picking up on these things, but here she had been completely oblivious. She had a notion that, if it hadn’t been for the alcohol, she would have remained so. The pain in his eyes made so much more sense now. It went beyond Buffy treating him like just another demon and beyond unrequited love. It was having love and lost, and whoever said that is was better to have loved and lost was a damn fool. 

“Then Finn came and bollixed it all up,” Spike continued after drowning another shot, “Buffy wouldn’t even let me explain before she told me it was over.”

“The eggs?” Anya asked softly, remembering the incident and how absurd the idea of Spike as an international arms dealer was. 

“A bloke from poker needed a place to stash something for a couple days. Didn’t tell me what and I didn’t care to ask. All I knew that I’d get enough dosh to help Buffy an’ the Bit out,” he sighed again, “like I’d bloody well go under the name Doctor anyway. That was the name of the demon that cut my Nibblet up and caused Buffy to jump. Had I known the bloke was going by that name, I woulda ripped his throat out. Went back and did actually,” Anya nodded again, and then Spike picked up again with a sigh, “Finn cheated on her by gettin’ suck jobs from vamp whores and then ran out on her ‘cuz he couldn’t handle her bein’ strong. Me, ‘ve never left, taken care of the Nibblet while she was dead, helped you lot, and let her use me as a bleedin’ sex toy and punching bag, and she believes him over me.” 

Anger replaced the surprised a moment later. Halfrek had been right when she said sometimes men needed a little vengeance too. Right now she would gladly grant Spike a wish. There was no excuse for what Buffy had done. No excuse to hurt someone like that, especially one who loved her enough to let her get away with it.

At least she had never been Xander’s dirty little secret. He had brought their relationship out into the open, never been ashamed to be seen with her. He had defended her ‘strangeness’ to his friends all along, telling them to give her a chance. He made sure to bring her to Scooby meetings so he could show them how happy he was with her. She had never been forced to know that he was disgusted to have feelings for her. 

“Why did you come back here luv?” Spike finally asked her, “Why didn’t you go about grantin’ your wishes and away from Sunnyhell?” 

For the second time in the conversation Anya was shocked into silence. How did he know?

“Can smell the difference,” Spike told her, a small smirk ghosting across his lips, “knew you were a demon when I walked in. Just didn’t care. Wasn’t a shockin’ conclusion to jump to, all things considerin’.”

Anya just nodded and then finally gave her answer, “I wanted vengeance and needed someone to make a wish against Xander. No one would, not even you! But…but this is better. Xander getting his heart ripped out still sounds like a wonderful plan, but this helps more. That would make me feel good…but being here with you makes me feel good about myself again. I…I don’t think I’ve been that way for a long time. Ever since I became human it was about changing myself into something that Xander wanted me to be…something that I wasn’t. My body was human, but my mind still thought like a demon. Do you want to know the reason it was so easy to become a demon again? So many of the things I became, I became to please Xander Harris, so I didn’t even have to think about giving them up.” 

Spike tipped his glass to her in a one person toast “Good on you then. ‘Least you went and got your rocks back- so to speak. Glad Demon Girl. You deserve better than that wanker.”

“Thank you.”

“Anytime luv, anytime.” 

There was silence then, both of them lost in their own thoughts and in another shot. The bottle was getting low, and Anya was dreading the time that it was finally done. They could always go elsewhere and find more of course –God knows Spike probably had a stash big enough to run his own bar back at his crypt- but it was peaceful right here. She didn’t want that to end either.

“We should leave.”

“What?” 

“Leave,” Spike repeated, “Sunnydale. It’s this place. Before I came here I was happy. I was a hellva vampire and enjoyin’ every soddin’ minute of it. Dru and I were painting the world red. The minute I set foot in this town I ended up miserable, and it went downhill from there. End up in a bloody wheelchair, watch Dru shag the Poof, lose Dru, fall for the bloody Slayer, lose the Slayer, have the Slayer just to lose her yet again. My unlife has been a Greek tragedy since I got here. Same for you, wasn’ it? You were one of D’Hoffryn’s best, you come here to grant a wish, lose your powers, fall for an idiot like Harris, get treated like dirt from your so called friends, get left at the alter, and become a vengeance demon again, though I do think that last part is a bit of alright,” Anya nodded, knowing there was no way to argue with that. Spike had just described the last three years of her life to a tee, “See,” Spike continued, “It’s Sunnydale. This place is a curse to us demons. So we get the hell outta dodge. Just jump on my bike and go. Just drive until we find somewhere we won’t be so bloody miserable.”

She was prepared to say no. She had things here, like running The Magic Box.Yet when she really stopped to think about it, she began to question even that. Really, what did she have here now? The people she considered friends were and would always be Xander’s first. They had proved that earlier when, instead of helping her by saying mean things about Xander (wasn’t that what girlfriends were supposed to do after break-ups? Console?), they had gone and on about how sorry and miserable he was. They were trying to convince her to forgive him, and they weren’t even being remotely subtle about it. Normally Anya thought being subtle was a waste of time, but this time it had infuriated her.

As for The Magic Box? Her name might be on the deed as owner, but it was never truly hers. It would always be used for meetings or training. They would expect it of her, never mind that being in the same room as Xander hurt like hell. If she tried to say otherwise, they’d call her petty and work on her until she gave in. No matter what she did, it would always come down to her verses them. They might like her and pity her, but it would always be Xander first.

So what did she really have here? Nothing. There were other shops she could buy somewhere else in the world. Hell, she could open a sex shop and no one would tell her that it was inappropriate or embarrassing. She had mentioned it to Xander once and he had been horrified, stuttering out some sort of response that told her it was a bad idea. Never mind that she liked the idea. Spike would find it hilarious, probably give her pointers on what to stock.

At this moment, Spike was turning out to be a better friend than the others. To him Xander was at fault and not her. Xander deserved to be punished in his eyes for what he had put her through. He admired her choice to become a demon again, where the others would be horrified. Buffy might even try to kill her, since all demons were evil in her book. Spike made her feel good about herself, while the others tried their hardest to make Xander feel good about himself. 

Spike was right. Sunnydale, in the end, had brought her heartbreak. There had been good times, very good times, but they were all tainted now. Every good memory she had here was tinged with the sorrow about how her life had turned out. Maybe part of it was the alcohol talking, but she needed this. Maybe if she moved on, her heart could mend. 

“Yes.” 

l.l.l. 

Spike hadn’t expected her to say yes. 

He had thrown the idea out there when it had popped into his head. He had thought about it of course, plenty of times since Buffy had broken if off. Hell, even before that. In the back of his mind he had thought leaving would make her see what she had. He hadn’t. He had Buffy, no matter how she was treating him. Using and abusing him of course, but he had still been able to make love to her night after night. A year ago all he had asked for was a crumb, and he had gotten that and so much more. Didn’t matter that her behaviour was killing him or tearing him apart. Not even Dru, who had cheated with anything that moved, had hurt him this badly, hadn’t treated him this cruelly. He couldn’t leave because he was addicted to her, drawn to her like a moth to the flame. It would kill him, but he would gladly choose death over giving it up. And he couldn’t join the ‘walked away from Buffy’ club. He couldn’t hurt her by leaving like all of those other wankers. She could deny it all she wanted, even insist the opposite, but if he left it would cause her pain. He could hear the question that she would ask herself- ‘what’s so wrong with me that even a soulless demon wouldn’t stay?’ Spike would do anything to spare her that kind of pain. 

In the end, it had all been about Buffy. Just like it always was. But now? Now he didn’t have Buffy anymore. He would still have to put up with the way she treated him, especially in front of her friends, but he would get nothing in return. 

Looking across at Anya, knowing she knew exactly how he felt, made him re-examine his conclusions about why leaving was such a bad idea. If she, who had so many more ties to the place than he did, could decide to walk away, then it should come easily to him.

What was really left for him here? The Nibblet of course, but as much as he loved the young girl, he knew she wouldn’t be enough. If he and Buffy had never started their relationship, or whatever the hell she would call it, then it would have been. If the Slayer had just treated him like the friends they had been becoming, or even the annoying former mortal enemy, he would have gladly put up with it to stay with Dawn. But this…this was a torture that not even the Bit could help him stand. Besides, Dawn had her sis back now. After the never ending birthday party, Buffy had been trying with Dawn, actually seeing her again. The girl had someone to take care of her, so Spike could leave with a semi clean conscious on that front. He’d have Clem check up on her every once and a while, just to make sure she kept out of trouble. 

And it seemed that it was Anya that needed him now. Needed someone, not to take care of her per say, but someone to help take the hurt away. Spike could do that. Has used to doing that. All of his life he had played care taker to someone- his mum, Dru, Dawn, and even Buffy before Sweet had come to town. It was a role he felt comfortable in, and he figured Anya could really use it now.

What had she said? The human she had become had been for Xander? Well he didn’t need her to become anything she didn’t want. He admired that she had chosen to become a demon again, knowing that the transition would probably be hard after so long as a human. You had to admire a girl with that kind of strength.

Not that the Whelp had ever deserved the girl in the first place. He never treated her right. Anya was a former (or not so former anymore he amended) demon who felt no remorse over her past actions. It had been her job to punish men and she had done it joyfully. She had been bloody good at it too, with an emphasis on the bloody. Spike had gotten a few stories out of her, times when Xander wasn’t there to tell her not to talk about it, and had been impressed. She caused the Russian Revolution? That right there was an achievement, not something to be scorned. Most of Anya’s life had been lived as a demon, and there was no reason they should want her to suppress that. They shouldn’t expect her to be anything less than what she was at the time- a former vengeance demon. If Xander had wanted a normal human girl he should have went and found a normal human girl. He shouldn’t have tried to shape her into something she would never be. It wasn’t fair to the woman. 

He doubted that she’d ever forgive Harris, but the pressure would always be there. From the Scoobies of course, looking out for Xander first. In reality, they only saw Anya through her relationship with Xander. Outside of that their bond was flimsy at best. When did they ever go out together without the Whelp? Have a girls night and invite her to it? Ask her opinion on some girly subject? Just bloody well go shopping with her or to a movie? He couldn’t recall a time. She may have been more accepted than he was, but she was still an outsider. 

If they had really seen her they would have used her better. Anya had been around over a thousand years. Not only that, but a demon. Did they ever go to her for answers before pulling out hours and hours of boring research? There were a few times that Spike knew she had some of the answers, but when she tried to share it, she was ignored. After awhile she had just given up and went along with research. They had a bloody demon expert in the group and they never once used her for it. It was bloody stupid. At least she saw it now. Damn shame it had to come after something so heart breaking, but she finally understood. Of course that made all the pain she was feeling so much more acute. Another reason for her to get out of here, to leave it all behind.

Though he had been prepared for her to say ‘no’, it didn’t make him like the plan any less. He’d do it in a heart beat – so to speak- if he didn’t have to do it alone. He wouldn’t have been able to walk away if he had to do it himself -he hated being alone-, but with someone to come with him? He could do that, especially since it was someone who understood and was undoubtedly on his side. That was nice for a change, having someone on his side before the Slayer’s. 

What had Buffy told him? That he had to move on? Then he would. Here was his chance, and he wouldn’t get a better one. Slayer probably thought he would stick around and follow her like a love sick puppy again. Probably expected it, despite the fact she had called it quits. Understandable, that being is MO and all, but not this time. Screw being love’s bitch. For once, he was going to do something with less pain in it for him, and if could help Anya while doing it? Even better. 

“Right then,” he finally replied, “bike’s parked out front. You got anything you need to grab?”

“Now?” Anya asked with wide eyes, “We’re going now?”

“Longer we stay the better chance we’ll talk ourselves out of it.”

Anya nodded absently before her face fell into a determined mask, “I can arrange for my things later,” she told him, “teleport back if I need anything right away. I’ll have a lot to do, but I can do a lot of it over the phone and the internet.”

“I wanna say goodbye to the Nibblet,” Spike informed her, “Can’t leave without doing that. Bit would never forgive me.”

“What if Buffy’s there?” 

Spike winced at the possibility. In the end he was a coward. He couldn’t tell her he was leaving to her face. He wasn’t strong enough to say good bye. One stricken look on her face and any resolve he had would crumble.

“She’ll be patrolling ‘bout now,” Spike replied, knowing her patrolling schedule like the back of his hand after all these years. Anya snorted, clearly amused about that fact. Spike scowled at her, daring her to verbalize any comment. She kept her mouth shut for once, though the amusement didn’t fade. After a moment Spike’s indignation faded and was replaced with a softness when he spoke, “’Sides, ‘m doin’ this. Doesn’t matter if Buffy’s there- me and you, we’re in this together yeah? If I start to waver, you pull me the hell outta there. You’re the one who needs me at the moment, and that’ll only work once we get out of this God forsaken town. ‘M all yours Anyanka.”

Anya’s eyes filled with tears with that sincere declaration, and for a moment Spike feared he had made her cry again. It took a moment to place the look she was giving him as gratitude, and when he did he almost sighed. Spike didn’t know if it was his statement that he was here for her or the use of what she considered her real name, but something in what he said touched her, that much he could tell.

Chit wasn’t used to people being there solely for her. That was going to change. When Spike decided to take care of someone, he didn’t go at it half assed. It was all or nothing with him, usually slanting towards the all side of the equation.

Anya didn’t reply, but instead she just got to her feet and walked behind the front counter. She opened up the cash register, took out a large wad of bills, and shoved it right into her purse before tossing in any change.

Spike raised his scarred eyebrow at that, to which Anya replied in her usual point blank way, “It’s my damn store. That makes it my money.”

“Cheers to that.”

Just before they could walk out the door Anya paused. She turned back around slowly and just looked around her shop. She stayed like that, just taking the interior of The Magic Box in. Spike felt pity as he watched her control her emotions. Laving this store might just be harder for her than leaving the Scoobies behind. 

Spike wrapped an arm around her shoulder, giving it a squeeze. He half expected her to pull away, used to that kind of treatment when he went and tried to give comfort to anyone besides Dawn. Instead, she leaned into him for a moment, and he could tell that she was mentally steadying herself. 

She took a deep breath before standing straight again. When she spoke there was still a small tremor in her voice, but it was determined, “Okay. Let’s go.”

Spike opened the door and held it open for her, then waited as she locked up. She took another moment to study the front of the store, but not as long as she had taken on the inside. Another deep breath and she was letting Spike lead her to where he left her bike. When Anya saw it there, she paused. For a moment Spike feared that she was backing out of their little road trip, but when she spoke her question was very practical, “Are you drunk? Because if you are I don’t want to drive with you. I may be harder to kill now, but I can still get injured. Motorcycle accidents have high injury rates.”

She sounded so much like the old, pre-almost wedding Anya that it made Spike chuckle., “Luv, if you think I’m drunk of that lil’ bit then you clearly underestimate a vampire’s constitution. Believe me when I say it takes more than that,” She accepted his word, threatening that if they did get into a crash he would find himself on the painful end of a curse, which made Spike chuckle again. Then they were off. 

The drive to 1620 Revello Drive took all of ten minutes, but Spike’s dread built up the entire time. He didn’t want to say goodbye to Dawn. She was his Nibblet. He loved her and she was the only person who had truly treated him with kindness in a very long time. The bond he had developed with her over the summer was stronger than anything he had felt before, and he would miss it. When he said goodbye she’d cry, and good God did he hate to see her cry.

He turned off the bike when he pulled up in front of the house. He just sat there for a minute, staring at it much like Anya had stared at her store. There was a light on in the living room, telling him someone was there. Hopefully it was Dawn- he couldn’t deal with any of the other Scoobies at the moment, especially Harris or the Slayer.

Anya waited patiently, not telling him to hurry up like she normally would. She just sat behind him silently, knowing he needed time to work himself up to this. Spike was glad for her insight, because he probably would have snapped at her had she told him to move it. She placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, conveying without words that she was here for him like he had been for her at The Magic Box.

“You comin’?” Spike finally asked in a gruff voice, doing his best to hold down his turbulent emotions.

“No. I’ll wait here.”

Spike gave a jerky nod before swinging himself off the bike. He walked up and paused only when he reached the front door. He raised his hand to knock, and after another self imposed delay, finally did. Ten seconds later the door swung open and Dawn stood there. When she realized that it was Spike standing there, her face lit up.

“Hey Spike!”

“’Lo Nibblet,” he couldn’t bring himself to add any excitement to his voice.

In true teenage fashion, Dawn didn’t even notice, “I’m having pizza. Want to come in?”

“Are you by yourself?” he asked when he realized that he could sense no other humans in the house. His brow furrowed in concern and Dawn just rolled her eyes.

“Geez Spike! Over protective much? Willow only left ten minutes ago and that was only after Buffy called and told us she’d be home in twenty,” Dawn’s face brightened again, “but if you’re so worried, you should totally stay and watch me until Buffy comes home. She can’t say a word if you’re protecting me.” 

Dawn was clearly impressed by her genius, and Spike wanted to smile at it. Master manipulator the Bit was turning out to be. Proud as he was of that face, the news he was about to give her took the joy out of knowing it, “Can’t Bit. ‘M leavin’.”

“But you just got here!” Dawn complained, face falling and pulling out the famous Summers pout.

“I mean leavin’ town,” he couldn’t look at her when he said it, instead kept his eyes trained elsewhere, “and I don’t plan on comin’ back, at least not anytime soon.”

There was a deafening silence after that. He heard Dawn suck in a deep gasp and her heart sped up, but she said nothing. Spike waited for her to say a word, to get any sort of reaction, “Spike?” Her voice was so small that he had to look back at her. When he did, it broke his heart. Her eyes were wide and shocked, mouth open and lower lip beginning to tremble. She already looked betrayed, like he was abandoning her.

“I’m sorry Dawn,” he rushed to explain, willing to say anything that would get that look out of her eyes, “but I just can’t be here anymore. It hurts too much and ‘ve had my fill of pain for awhile. Can’t go on like this. Even I have my limits. I love you Bit and you know that, but I gotta get away from this place before it kills me.”

“Is it Buffy?” Dawn asked and continued when he winced, “I’ll make her stop being so mean to you! The others too! I’ll talk to her and make it better!”

There was an edge of desperate hysteria beginning in Dawn’s high pitched voice, and Spike grabbed hold of her shoulders to steady her and force her to look at him,“’Preciate it Bit, but it won’t change anything. We’re leavin’, Anya and I.”

“Anya? You’re leaving with Anya?” There was complete bafflement in Dawn’s voice.

“We both need to get away, only makes sense that we head off together. She understands what it’s like Bit, just like I understand her. Things here are just so hard, and it’s easier to just walk away…and it’s a lot easier to walk away when you have someone with you. I can help Anya the same way she can help me. Right now, we need each other, kinda like how we needed each other this summer. Don’t know where we’ll go, only that it’ll be far away from here. Give us time to heal and move on.”

Dawn was crying now, and without hesitation, Spike pulled her into his arms, hugging her as tightly as he could without hurting her.

“Please don’t go!” she cried, voice muffled in his chest.

“I have to,” Spike’s voice pleaded for her to try and understand, “don’t worry. I’ll nick a cell phone so you can get a hold of me. Anytime, for anything. If you want to just talk or whatever. The minute you need me, I’ll be back here. Don’t care what ‘m doin’ or why you need me, but I’ll be here. You’re still my Lil Bit, and no matter where I am that’ll never change.”

He felt Dawn nod against him, and he held her a moment longer. She was still crying and he could feel the tears beginning to soak through his t-shirt. He hated this, hating knowing that she was hurting, but it wasn’t going to change his mind. He wouldn’t let it change his mind, especially when Anya was still waiting down the walk for him. He gave her another squeeze before letting go.

“Gotta get goin’. Wanna get to LA before sunrise so we can find a place to hole up for the day. I’ll call as soon as I can,” He dropped a kiss on the top of Dawn’s head and turned to go. Stepping away from her was one of the hardest things he had ever done in his existence, but he did it. His heart was breaking all over again, and he swore to himself that he would call Dawn every night if it would make her feel better. As a vampire he didn’t feel guilt over many things, but walking away from her was one of them. Halfway down the steps he paused, “Tell Big Sis…” he voice trailed off. There were so many things he could say. Tell her I love her and that I’m sorry. Tell her I never wanted to hurt her. Tell her that she’s my everything, “…tell her to be happy.”

“Okay,” Dawn whispered, tears choking her voice.

He continued down the steps. When he reached the bike, Anya was looking up at him, a mix of compassion and pity in her eyes. She didn’t say anything as he climbed on the bike, and if she saw the tears in his eyes she didn’t mention it.

“You alright?” she finally asked.

“Believe me when I say ‘ve been much, much better.”

“Spike.”

“Yeah pet?” he turned around.

The next thing he knew Anya’s lips were on his. It wasn’t a brief peck, but a real kiss. Her lips moved against his, tongue probing his lower lip to gain entrance into his mouth. For a moment he was stunned. Anya was kissing him. Then he really realized that Anya was kissing him and responded. He opened his mouth and poured himself into the kiss. He used his tongue to explore every inch of her mouth, ran it across her lower lip and made her moan. Anya grabbed the back of his head to pull him closer while he used a hand to cup her cheek. Only when Anya needed to breath did they break apart. Anya was breathing hard, Spike along with her. Emotion and passion always triggered his breathing reflex. That unexpected kiss had brought out both.

“What was that?” he asked her in bewilderment, shocked but not in the least upset.

“Vengeance,” she replied softly, gaze flickering back towards the house. 

Spike turned to look, only to see Dawn still standing there on the front porch. Her mouth had dropped open and eyes widened in shock. When Dawn told the others they’d left, she would never leave this part out. She would blab about the kiss to the Scoobies, including Xander and Buffy.

For a moment Spike was horrified, knowing the news would hurt Buffy. That was something he never wanted, not even now really. But then the horror faded and was replaced by acceptance. Maybe a little pain would be good for her, teach her not to use people like they didn’t matter. It also helped that he knew she’d move on- she’d gotten past Peaches, she could get past this with relative ease.

“As enjoyable as seeing Xander’s heading exploding would be,” Anya spoke again, “this will hurt longer. For both of them.”

Spike nodded and leaned in and gave her a quick kiss, “You’re a genius Anyanka.”

She smiled a bit at the compliment, “Let’s go.”

Spike tipped his head at the still shell shocked Dawn before starting up the bike. Anya’s arms came snugly around his waist and her cheek rested against his back. Despite himself, Spike enjoyed the feel of her back there. Then, without letting themselves take that backwards glance they both desperately wanted, they drove off into the night.


End file.
